A friend of mine posted a Facebook status that has sort of simmered in the back of my mind all week.
She wrote: “They say you can see your future in a glass of water.”
I’m glad she didn’t say a cup of coffee because my mug has sat on half-empty all week and I’m
pretty sure I’ve been on half-empty too.
Last week, I mentioned that my husband and I are having a difficult time trying to conceive. Because I have such a public job, I was nervous about discussing this here and to be honest, I still feel a little uneasy. But the response I had from you, my dear friends, overwhelmed me. I’m amazed by how many of you have gone through this and in some cases, have endured far more than I can imagine. I got an email from an amazing woman the other day who told me that she is struggling to get pregnant with a third child. I could tell that she felt guilty about admitting this to me. She even said, “I know I already have two children but I always thought I’d have a big family.” It made me realize that it doesn’t matter if you have no children or 10 children, whether you’re 20-years-old or 40, this is a lonely, heartbreaking thing to go through.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
My hope in talking about this openly is that someone out there won’t feel so lonely.
There isn’t a female equivalent to the word “emasculate” but that is how I feel. I think the hardest thing for me to be able to accept is that it may not happen. That there is nothing I can do to make it happen. That being a good person, having enough money and a home, all of those things that people say are the right steps towards starting a family, ultimately mean nothing. Then of course there are the things people say, all from a good heart, to try to ease the situation.
Things like, “You’re young,” or “You just need to relax.”
This all implies that I have control over a situation that I can’t possibly control.
Now, I’m not trying to be pessimistic here. What I’m trying to say is that this has been incredibly humbling. A few weeks ago, Travis and I were watching the news before bed and there was a story about a couple who had beat their 2-year-old to the point that he was, quote, “one big bruise.” I sat in the floor and cried. How could God give a child to people like that when Travis and I are sitting here with an empty bedroom and love-filled hearts? I stormed around the house as I got ready for bed, brooding over this thought. Then I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I needed to open my Bible. I tried to ignore this feeling but it wouldn’t go away. It only intensified. When I finally gave in, I sat on the side of our bed and opened the Bible to a random page, looked up and pointed to a random passage. This is what my finger was on:
“…then he went to her and the Lord enabled her to conceive and she gave birth to a son.” Ruth 4:13
Look up the word “enable” and this is what you’ll see:
1. to make able; give power, means, competence, or ability to; authorize
2. to make possible or easy
3. to make ready; equip
There is quote I love from The Velveteen Rabbit:
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
I don’t know that I’ll ever have a child. If the last few months have been a forecast of what is to come, I’m pretty sure I’ll be rather shabby in the end. But what I have learned through this is that it doesn’t matter how old I am, what I have, what my body is or is not doing. It doesn’t matter if my face is clean or if its dirty because I’ve fallen on it one too many times. All that matters is that God is in control. He has a plan to do me good and not harm. And He has filled my heart with love that He isn’t about to waste.
I may fall apart in the process but I’ll be Real in the end.
And I can’t be ugly when I’m Real.
Except to people who don’t understand.